From Brian: In June of last year we decided we wanted to start trying for another child. It took what seemed like forever to get pregnant with Olivia, so we never thought God would ask us to endure that again. Fourteen months later we’re still not pregnant. And those 14 months have been very difficult for both of us and for our marriage. In that time we’ve watched more than one of our closest friends decide to start trying, get pregnant, and have their babies. Even though we were and are genuinely happy for them, I would be lying if I told you we haven’t struggled with jealousy. On many occasions we have felt guilty for the times when we should have been so excited for our friends and the incredible blessing God gave them, but instead we couldn’t stop thinking about what we didn’t have. We’ve tried not to let it affect our relationships and we’ve tried to celebrate with them, but our hearts were heavy. Each month we tried not to get our hopes up, but we ended up grieving each time we found out we weren’t pregnant. Fourteen times we’ve grieved, and fourteen times we’ve felt the pain of knowing that we’d have to wait at least another month. And each time it has become harder than the time before to believe that we will someday have another biological child. We’ve both been frustrated and saddened by the strain this has put on the romance in our relationship. The routine and schedule we had to adhere to has taken a significant toll on intimacy. It finally got bad enough that we decided we needed to take a break so we could focus on restoring our relationship. But I think the hardest part of all has been watching my bride hurt every time she sees a new baby or expectant mother. I’ve felt helpless as I’ve watched her slip slowly into what I would call mild depression as the weight of her longing has grown heavier and heavier. All I wanted to do was fix the problem, and I couldn’t. From Christy:
To say that I wanted to get pregnant was an understatement. I have names already picked out for all my kids…yeah…I’m that kind of girl. It’s all I thought about. Not so much in the beginning when we first started trying, but with each month that passed by and no baby…it got harder and harder. My faith seemed to get weaker and weaker. I began to try and figure out why God was doing this to us. Was I a bad mother? Had I not learned the right lessons when we tried getting pregnant with Olivia? What was HE trying to teach me? What sin had I not confessed? All those questions paired with some “slight” depression I was suffering from made for some really dark days.
Several of our friends starting getting pregnant with their 2nd child. With each one it felt as if someone would punch me in the stomach. Friends emailing/posting announcements on blogs and such…I couldn’t get away from the constant reminder that my friends were moving on into a new journey of life without me. Don’t get me wrong...I was happy for them, but I just started feeling a disconnect as they didn’t have any idea what we were going through and I couldn’t relate to them in their pregnancies. Many times I just felt really alone in our battle. I just wanted to know WHY! WHY in the world would God not give us a child to love? Would I ever understand? It consumed my mind daily and it truly consumed our lives: the longing and desires, the disappointment, the grieving. Little did I know God was going to turn my world upside down this past summer. One of my best friends is Rebecca Rainey Mutz. Rebecca and I have been best friends for 12 years. Rebecca was pregnant with her first child.
Rebecca and her husband Jacob had to make a decision that no parent should have to make. They had to decide if they were going to try to do these many risky surgeries for Molly or take Molly off life support and enjoy the short time they have with their daughter. Their week with Molly was filled with family getting to meet her, lots of prayer for wisdom and miracles, having a baby dedication, singing praise songs in Molly’s room, getting hand and foot prints, taking thousands of pictures, video taping hours of sweet Molly, and much much more praying. On Monday they made the decision that later on in the week they would disconnect Molly’s life support and let her go home to her Heavenly Father. I remember just crying on the phone with my Becca after they had made that decision. All I could say was how sorry I was and that I loved her so much! My sweet daughter, Olivia, got lots of hugs, kisses, and extra prayers!  What I had experienced that week was NOTHING compared to what I was able to witness when I arrived in CO to be with Rebecca. I finally got to wrap my arms around my dear friend. That night I woke up to my phone ringing at 1 a.m. It was one of my best friends from Austin calling to tell me she was in labor. That next morning I awoke at 5:30 and wept as I realized that one of my best friends was giving birth today…and the other was burying her daughter. I could not grasp the thought. I couldn’t wrap my arms around the fact that my Becca was burying her child today. It overwhelmed me. What I experienced later that day was nothing short of amazing! Holy, even! I was given the incredible opportunity to go to the graveside service with the family. I had never before seen such an incredibly small casket. It literally took my breath away. Becca just stared at it. The most memorable time for me was at the very end of the memorial service. The song by Chris Rice, “Untitled Hymn,” played. Becca knelt down on the ground and raised her head toward heaven. Jacob knelt beside her. Then the entire family and myself went and lay at their feet and wept. We kept singing “fly to Jesus, fly to Jesus, fly to Jesus, Molly, AND LIVE!” It truly felt like a holy moment and it’s one that I will never ever forget. It’s as if I almost felt closer to heaven. I hope to never forget my time in CO. Molly and her wonderful parents truly have changed something inside of me. Some of it I might be able to get into words…other parts probably not. One thing is my faith is truly stronger. I realized that I’ve been so focused inward. Focused on “me.” Asking the questions of “why me?,” “what is God trying to teach ME?,” “what am I doing wrong?” were all the wrong attitudes to have. Yes God does teach us through our trials and does have lessons that He wants us to learn, but if I thought that was ALL he wanted, then what does that say about how I view God? Is God really a God that withholds until you are perfect? Until I parent perfectly, discipline perfectly, worship perfectly? No! He is a compassionate, merciful, sovereign God. My focus needs to be on what brings HIM the most glory! Rebecca has taught me so much. She has said the words, “If one person comes to know Christ through Molly’s life and death…then all this is worth it.” So if Rebecca can have this attitude and true FAITH then surely I can too. If we can encourage someone who is dealing with infertility…to God be the glory. If we can rescue one child through adoption…to God be the glory. Could it be that God chose US to be set apart from others? Could it be that He chose US to encourage others to adopt? There are so many other ways that I feel changed by Molly and what I experienced, but I’m just unable to put it all into words. I just view life differently. I complain less. I hug and kiss on my sweet daughter more and more. I feel a joy in life even in the midst of this great sorrow that I feel for my best friend…even in the midst of the great sorrow I feel for Brian and I as we long for more children. God is God! Hallelujah. I know I’ll continue to process and I pray I never forget. As Rebecca and Jacob left the hospital after saying goodbye to their beautiful daughter…God gave them a glimmer of hope. A scene to show them that He is still with them. Look at this amazing sunset!
So…how are we now? Well, we still long to be pregnant. We still want a large family. However, we are trying to get to the place where we are confident in the fact that God has our children already picked out. Both biologically and through adoption. I still hear about my friends getting pregnant, but it’s not a punch in the stomach anymore. Yes, I sigh, but gosh…we are so blessed already! We have a beautiful daughter. We have each other. We have hope. We are currently pursuing adoption and are very excited to see how God will complete our family. We have always wanted to adopt, but thought it would be much later in life. There was a quote given at Molly’s service that has encouraged us: ”We cannot, Lord, Thy purpose see, but all is well that’s done by Thee.” I wanted to take just a minute to thank all of our brothers and sisters in Christ who have stood with us during this trial. A lot of you have been fervently praying for us and we have felt those prayers. They have helped us get through the last 14 months. Thank you for walking so closely with the Lord that you knew just when to pray for us. And thank you for my sweet friends who have circled around me as I walked alongside Rebecca. Your love for me and your prayers for her mean SO MUCH! And to my husband, who has stood beside me and been my rock…I thank you! I long for the day when “He will wipe away every tear from our eyes. Where there will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things have passed away.” We recently found a verse that we are clinging to: 1 Peter 5:10-11 “And the God of grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To HIM be the power forever and ever. Amen.”
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Molly Ann Mutz came into our world on June 13, 2008.